Post Mortem of the Congress
As Recorded in the Aligned Ledger of the Order of the Great Fifth Sea
It is customary, following any formal gathering, to inscribe not only the accomplishments but also the missteps — the latter being in far greater supply this year.
The Great Lakes Shipwreck Congress at Stone Harbor in Sturgeon Bay began with high intentions: learned presentations on seiche patterns, the unveiling of Dr. Basil Cartwright’s Provisional Atlas of Meteotsunami Occurrence, and a banquet meant to inspire cross-lake cooperation. Yet, as the golden light of early autumn dimmed, the atmosphere drifted from collegial to something less dignified.
Key Incidents of Note:
Transportation Debacle: The Order’s carpool from Rawley Point, though spirited with sea-shanties, arrived nearly thirty minutes late. This forced the Presiding Concordant to sneak through the side door of the ballroom while a GLRC delegate was mid-sentence. A cough, intended to be discreet, became an echoing fit, and our tardiness was marked in more than one notebook.
Ballroom Antics: Reports differ, but it appears Mr. Edwin Barlow initiated an impromptu “sailor’s reel” that swiftly devolved into a stumbling procession around the dessert table. Two trifles were overturned, and Treasurer Mags Fielding is alleged to have shouted “for the honor of Rawley Point!” before slipping on a discarded dinner roll.
The Pipe Incident: Several senior members took it upon themselves to smoke their pipes indoors, under the belief that it lent gravitas. In reality, it set off the hotel’s ventilation alarms. GLRC staffers were seen smirking behind their modern lapel pins as Order members fanned the detectors with napkins.
Rumored Cane Duel: Accounts vary, but it is whispered that two members, disagreeing over the finer points of shoreline mapping, nearly came to blows outside the resort. Walking canes were raised, words were exchanged, and only the intervention of the doorman — a retired Coast Guard veteran — prevented what might have become the first officially recorded “cane duel” in Order history.
Romantic Entanglements: While this is not properly the Ledger’s domain, it cannot go unmentioned that at least two Order members were seen slipping hand-in-hand toward Fincantieri’s shipyard promenade. Their absence during closing remarks was noted.
Overall Assessment:
The Congress advanced little in the way of formal coordination with the GLRC, though it did much to cement our reputation for eccentricity. The rival consortium’s crisp uniforms and PowerPoint slides made our Edwardian waistcoats and shanty-singing feel out of step — charming to some, but to others, an embarrassment.
It is resolved that future gatherings:
Begin with rehearsal of entrances and exits.
Forbid dancing until after dessert.
Enforce a strict no-pipe policy indoors (to be revisited should a more sympathetic venue be found).
Establish a clear protocol for settling cartographic disputes without resorting to canes.
Transportation Debacle: The Order’s carpool from Rawley Point, though spirited with sea-shanties, arrived nearly thirty minutes late. This forced the Presiding Concordant to sneak through the side door of the ballroom while a GLRC delegate was mid-sentence. A cough, intended to be discreet, became an echoing fit, and our tardiness was marked in more than one notebook.
Ballroom Antics: Reports differ, but it appears Mr. Edwin Barlow initiated an impromptu “sailor’s reel” that swiftly devolved into a stumbling procession around the dessert table. Two trifles were overturned, and Treasurer Mags Fielding is alleged to have shouted “for the honor of Rawley Point!” before slipping on a discarded dinner roll.
The Pipe Incident: Several senior members took it upon themselves to smoke their pipes indoors, under the belief that it lent gravitas. In reality, it set off the hotel’s ventilation alarms. GLRC staffers were seen smirking behind their modern lapel pins as Order members fanned the detectors with napkins.
Rumored Cane Duel: Accounts vary, but it is whispered that two members, disagreeing over the finer points of shoreline mapping, nearly came to blows outside the resort. Walking canes were raised, words were exchanged, and only the intervention of the doorman — a retired Coast Guard veteran — prevented what might have become the first officially recorded “cane duel” in Order history.
Romantic Entanglements: While this is not properly the Ledger’s domain, it cannot go unmentioned that at least two Order members were seen slipping hand-in-hand toward Fincantieri’s shipyard promenade. Their absence during closing remarks was noted.
The Congress advanced little in the way of formal coordination with the GLRC, though it did much to cement our reputation for eccentricity. The rival consortium’s crisp uniforms and PowerPoint slides made our Edwardian waistcoats and shanty-singing feel out of step — charming to some, but to others, an embarrassment.
Begin with rehearsal of entrances and exits.
Forbid dancing until after dessert.
Enforce a strict no-pipe policy indoors (to be revisited should a more sympathetic venue be found).
Establish a clear protocol for settling cartographic disputes without resorting to canes.
Commentary & Marginalia
“We should consider renting a bus next time. At least the GLRC had the sense to arrive together in their vans. We looked like latecomers to our own funeral.” — G. Whitcomb
“The sailor’s reel was not a mistake.” — E. Barlow
“In my defense, the ventilation alarm lent the proceedings an air of maritime distress. A little smoke is entirely within our thematic wheelhouse.” — A. Corvus, Keeper Emeritus
“I will neither confirm nor deny that my cane was raised. But let it be known: the doorman’s grip was stronger than expected.” — T. Ashford
“If we cannot manage a single evening without scandal, then at least let us make it memorable. Dignity is optional; spectacle is eternal.” — H. Pembrook
“We should consider renting a bus next time. At least the GLRC had the sense to arrive together in their vans. We looked like latecomers to our own funeral.” — G. Whitcomb
“The sailor’s reel was not a mistake.” — E. Barlow
“In my defense, the ventilation alarm lent the proceedings an air of maritime distress. A little smoke is entirely within our thematic wheelhouse.” — A. Corvus, Keeper Emeritus
“I will neither confirm nor deny that my cane was raised. But let it be known: the doorman’s grip was stronger than expected.” — T. Ashford
“If we cannot manage a single evening without scandal, then at least let us make it memorable. Dignity is optional; spectacle is eternal.” — H. Pembrook
